The Song in Our Head

With the sun noon high and the day and lake so still, not even shadows disturbed the silted bottom.  Four years old now, Flannery, having followed the yard-long, finger-width furrow to its source, reached in the water to pluck another burrowed mussel.  In the broad lake’s opposite corner kids splashed and shouted where we had an hour before, but our oldest Shannon had wandered down this way and Flan and I followed.  Shan remained forty yards back at water’s edge, where she’d plopped herself to watch fistfuls of sand ripple the mirror lake.  We have no idea what she sees in such dynamics, but occasionally sense that if she could articulate them NASA would rend the space-time continuum.  For now, she was just a speechless autistic kid increasingly capable of pacifying herself.

“Look, Da-Da,” Flan said, holding the mussel up.  The lake supports multitudes, each with a pearly knob adjoining two brown shells.  “This one’s a girl too.  And a princess.  Her name’s Priscilla.  See?”

She dropped it among a dozen others in the red onion bag we found snagged on a driftwood pile.  They were all girls and all princesses.  I looked back, down the sand ribbon where Shannon busied herself in maple shade.  Two more sand hurls stippled the water, while a phoebe rushed off the branches above, its ashen wing whirs suspending it long enough to dab the targeted midge.

“That’s a pretty princess, Flan,” I said, turning back.  “Let’s find more.”

“Why did you stop singing Nana’s song?  The princesses like it.”

****

Middle-age is the time.  Our parents seep back out, coloring our own kids through unconscious channels.  I wasn’t sure I’d sang a country song in thirty years, but with the girls growing up out they came, word-by-word, ones my mother sang along to 8-tracks.  Kris Kristofferson.  Waylon Jennings.  Willie Nelson.  They flowed out, as if I’d never left the station wagon and my mom never stopped tapping thumbs on the steering wheel.  Shannon loves all singing, and the narrative tumults beguile Flannery.  This was Good-Hearted Woman.  As with all of them, she let me get through a line or two before interjecting.

“Was it Nana’s favorite?”

“One of them, yeah.  It tells a good story but a sad one.”

“Sing more.”

A crow coasted above, passing its thin shadow over the lake-trapped glacial dust between us.

But she never complains about the bad times or bad things he’s done . . . She just talks about the good times they’ve had and all the good times to come.”

“What were the bad things?

“Well, it’s a little complicated, but he wasn’t home very much.”

“Where was he?”

“Out.  You remember what we said about wine?  He drank that a lot, and liked other girls a lot.”

“And it made her sad?”

“It did, but she mostly thought of how happy she was when they met and how happy they might be soon.”

“Were they?”

“The song doesn’t go that far, Flan.  It’s mostly about how people make up pretty songs to keep themselves happy.”

I never mean to overload, but she always steers us that way.  Sometimes it takes minutes, sometimes days, but eventually the next logical inquiry comes out.

****

Despite having swam for a couple hours, the sun worked into us.  I kneeled.  Slipping into the water, I stroked a few times before re-kneeling between Flan and two more mussel trails.

“It’s hot, isn’t it, Flan?”

Behind her, a gray squirrel hustled another up a beachside oak, while deep in the canopy a scarlet tanager oozed out a few hoarse, late-summer notes.  Downshore, Shan’s sandplay escalated, with her latest mélange of verbal contentment kicking in.  This pattern sounded like a coyote killing a rabbit but was deep joy to us.  Stealthing forward, Flan bent, pulling up another mollusk.

“Da-Da?”

“What is it?”

“Did Nana really go to heaven?  I miss her.”

My mom died twenty years before, but Flan wasn’t the first to yearn for someone or something she never knew.  Until I die, I’ll always be out in the Territories, skinning beavers and dodging grizzlies.

“Not everyone believes that, but your mom and I do.”

She held the mussel in one hand, thumbing its impearled hinge.  This creature, I knew, wouldn’t get a name.

“Is heaven a pretty song too?”

Dislodged by my brief swim, a smear of midge larvae floundered mid water column, arching wildly on boneless hinges.

“Like the one the lady made-up?  No one knows, Flan.  Until you die, you don’t know.  Some things just feel right, though, so we believe them even if we can’t see them.  Say ‘Faith’.”

“Faith.”

“‘F’.  Like you.”

****

Things had grown easier.  For Flan’s first three years Shannon could hardly handle her sister’s breathing, but we kept shoving them together, where eventually, especially outside, they coped.  There on my knees in the lake it even hung there, dangling the coveted clairvoyance.  If we could foster the girls’ tolerance, there was hope they’d kindle something deeper, something to enrich them once we were gone.  I already knew you didn’t need words for such a bond, though doubly knew that it wouldn’t be long before our daughters split – Flannery down the river of words, Shannon down a more lonesome run.  How often, though, does language deaden, poison, or brick up the spaces between us?  Like anyone, Flan would need refuge, and there in the water I could feel it in her, I could, the same solace Karen and I had come to know in Shannon’s quilted company.

Still fondling her latest mussel, Flan dropped it in the bag below.

“Da-Da?”

“What is it?

“I want to see Nana.  In heaven.”

“You will, Flan.  Me too.  Just believe it.”

As one sister resumed her search the other yipped and moaned in the shade, and I knew Flannery would stay quiet a while, composing her thoughts of heaven.  We all have a song in our head.

The Weaver

“Those are peppers, Flan,” I said, with her three-year old legs dangling off my shoulders.  “Green ones, yellow ones, red ones, orange.”

Side-stepping an elderly couple, I gripped Flannery’s right knee, steadying her.  The woman held a bag while the husband dropped in broccoli crowns.  Just off my shoulder I could see Flan’s pointing finger.

“What’s that?”

“You know what that is, Flan.  It’s what you’re going to eat tonight and the next night and the next night and every night forever.”

“No, Da-Da.  First I’m going to eat strawberry doughnuts then I’m going to eat marshmallows then I’m going to eat chocolate then I’m going to eat chocolate cereal then I’m going to eat cake then I’m going to eat cupcakes.  That’s what I’ll eat forever and forever and forever ever ever ever.”

“Ok,” I said, pulling up in front of the apples.  “We’ll run that by your mother.  How about these first?”

“Are they Pink Ladies?”

“Not these.  Those.”

“I want those, I want those, I want those.  Can I hold the bag?”

Hunching down, I let her grab the loose plastic.

“Remember, pull hard when the little snake pokes through the hole.”

She yanked.  The metal tab perforated where it was supposed to and the serrations gave where they were supposed to.

“I did it!  I did it!”

“You sure did.  Now open it up.  We’ll count four Pink Ladies.”

****

Two days ago we abandoned our little green basket right here for someone else to clean up, a first.  Flan’s older sister Shannon had been atop my shoulders with Flannery shuffling alongside.  Shannon’s summer had been uncharacteristically tough for reasons neither Karen nor I could name, her specialists either.  Six-year molars were a suspect, as was an uptick in her therapy’s difficulty, but nobody knew.  The supermarket, though, was usually safe.  Both kids love its square-cut pizza, and we’d been heading there after several stops, Flan’s apples being the last.

I held the bag, hooking one of Shannon’s ankles while squatting half-way.  When the second apple dropped, Shan – who’d been making ominous verbal tics – flipped backward.  Only that hooked ankle kept her from hitting the linoleum.  An apple rolled off while I slipped a hand under her head, guiding her to the ground where she screamed, thrashed, and rolled.  To date, her only self-injurious behavior involved making a fist and cupping it with the other hand, popping her chin in rapid succession.  Occasionally her eyes lolled back as they did here before she flopped again.  Stabilizing her with a hand to the lower back, I looked at Flan standing against an apple crate, chin to her chest and away.  She pluralized Shan’s condition, but in most cases was unfazed by her sister’s ‘autisms’.

“Come on, bud,” I said.  “Time to go.”

Grabbing Shan’s armpits, I hoisted her over a shoulder where she writhed like a poorly held snake.  Flan I braced against the opposite hip.

“Hang on, darlin’.”

Though such public spectacles were rare, Shannon’s age and severe condition were enough now, and people had stopped shooting us looks long ago.  The shoppers here shrank against fruit and vegetable displays, while out in the parking lot I wrestled Shan into her seat before running around to strap in Flan, who had let herself in.  Fifteen minutes and many miles later it was over.  Now, back without Shannon, it was hard to believe anything had happened.

****

Spinning the apple bag round, Flan tied a lousy knot before dropping it in the basket.  Tugging my ears, she pointed, wagons-ho style.

“Square pizza! Square pizza!”

“How about a please?”

“Please!  Please!  Please!”

Rounding an aisle corner, I swiped a mini baguette without breaking stride.

“Mama’s bread,” Flan said.

“Yup.  Mama’s bread.”

“Do fairies really make it in a hole in a tree in the deep, dark forest?”

“They sure do.”

“No they don’t, Da-Da.”

Shielded by glass, Flannery knew the pizza was off-limits until the nice man handed us the box and we went up front to hand the nice lady money.  Seeing just two cheese, I requested both, noting the silence above.  The server slid the spatula under each square then boxed them, turning for a price sticker.

“Da-Da?”

“What’s on your mind, Flan?”

“Why did God give Shannon autisms and not me?”

The clerk slid the stickered box atop the counter.

“Sir?  Sir?”

“Right.  Thank you.”

I turned, heading for the registers.  I’d been a parent for five years and had only learned that I’d never be ready.

“I don’t know, Flan.  I don’t know.  I’m not sure even God knows.”

Like many markets, this one has a row of booths.  Flan enjoys eating there, and through her two slices talked about the Butterfly Princess and the Dragon Queen and how she could almost swim like her sister but not yet and who might be her best friend and everything else three-year olds talk about without breathing, but it was there, I’d seen it, or at least heard it.  In Moby Dick a sailor separates from the ship long enough to see “God’s foot upon the treadle of the loom,” spending the rest of the voyage walking the deck, mad.  Watching Flan talk through her pizza, I lost track for a moment, only hoping that Karen and I could tinge her with enough light that she might make something beautiful out of all that dark wool.

Something Parallel, However Distant: Race and Autism

When our daughter Shannon was labeled autistic at twenty-one months, race wasn’t in my thoughts. Being white, it rarely is. Autism, though, was pervasive, as it will always be, a predominance that eventually injected an oblique empathy of its own when the Ferguson riots ripped the veneer off America’s congenital racial frets.

It wasn’t the only time Shannon provoked a racial awakening, the first one was just happier. She’s heavily impaired, so much so that when we bring her to a new professional – someone who sees several autistic people a day – most often their body language says, “Wow.” She doesn’t talk, has little receptive language, persists with jungle-at-night verbal tics, and bounds around like a jack rabbit. I’ve seen it in faces of every racial permutation. People would certainly identify her as white, but due to what she emanates they don’t see a white girl. Shannon will never know she’s white. Or American. Or a woman, or any of the cultural confections that help define people before their actions do. She’ll just know that she is, and such Edenic purity washes it all away – color, creed, everything – allowing us to glimpse the prejudicial divestiture we’ll forever covet. I’ve seen black people with Down’s Syndrome, Hispanic kids as autistic as Shan, and an array of others with an array of afflictions. The effect is the same. You see soul first, the rest second, and that only from habit.

Ferguson took it the other way, and only made sense through a prior incident. Sometime before, Gwen Ifill and David Brooks discussed race. Ifill fruitfully dropped her objectivity to ask Brooks if he ever talked about race within his family. He didn’t. She smiled, warmly. You don’t have to. We do. It’s with us. Always.

When I think about race it’s distant, nearly academic, and never personal. I’m not qualified to say what white privilege is or to what degree it exists, but Ferguson finalized what Ifill hatched, and her assertion only made sense because of Shannon.

If nothing else, white privilege frees you from color. I’ve never thought about my skin tone because I’ve never had to. It doesn’t define me. Autism, though, does. We’re an autistic family and always will be. It’s in our lives, our thoughts, our philosophy and theology. It sets our sleep patterns, our schedules, impedes our ability to earn money, drains it away in equal shares, profoundly affects how we relate to others, the world, and each other. We go to most public places, but not others. Shan’s little sister, Flannery, will live out her life variously succumbing to autism or thrusting her will upon it, a chronic cage-match.

I’ll never understand what Ifill meant, to have color be with you, always. I’m not black. If, though, it has any correlation to the dominion that a grossly affected family member imposes, then I can imagine with at least parallel empathy how frustrating, how maddening, such an encumbrance might be, and there is, of course, a galactic difference. Shannon is our child. We chose to have her and she came the way she came. We adore her, reveling in the numberless things she teaches as well as simply who she is. Color isn’t chosen, but it does define, and in America that’s rarely well. I don’t have that burden, but through Shannon at least have a piddling sense of what a burden it must be.

Somewhere

No need to rush. The sun wouldn’t set for a few hours and the farmers never mind how late we stay. It’s an Historic New England property, part of a constellation striving to do what we all do to varying degrees – embalm heavily-curated visions of the past. This farm has been operating on Narragansett Bay’s Conanicut Island since just after the Revolution, and today’s stewards tend sheep and cows roughly in line with that original family, internal combustion aside. Three days a week the public can wander all two-hundred some acres, most of it outcrop-spattered pasture running down to the bay. Our daughters adore it, as do we.

Shannon was five now, tall, still so wildly autistic that Karen and I ended a recent midnight conversation the only honest way we could:

“It’s like we’ve healed a crippled wolverine,” I said, “and are just waiting to see if she’ll stay.”

Anyone listening would have taken that as I would have with an outsider’s ear, but from the inside it only plunged our affections deeper. Beyond swimming we weren’t sure if we’d taught Shannon a thing, but for us she’d been a fountainhead.

Having sat on the sun-warmed stones, she was naked now, pitching shale nits to an ebbed tide. Here or elsewhere it wasn’t the first time I’d forgotten dry clothes, and when we reached the shore a half mile from the farmhouse I’d simply stripped her. At the very least, I knew, she’d wade, but with the windless day making the bay more lake than ocean she went right in, paddling up top and below, rubbing salt-soaked eyes. Once out, I sat a few yards behind her with the brine evaporating off each of us and a brace of herring gulls drifting close. Eyeing what she threw, they lilted out front like decoys before a blind.

****

It can’t be helped. People romanticize. We do it to everything. Past, present, future. Baseball, warfare, nationhood, love. Everything. This farm testifies to that, our gift for breeding nostalgia with the future’s equally idyllic numina, all to heal a present in which we never seem settled. No matter how peaceful the age, no matter how self-satisfied the generation, a hunch shadows the human experience that in this moment – now, right now, across the world – a spiritual rot oozes from our failing morality. If we could only regain the past’s simplicity along with its accompanying rectitude we’d secure our children a spotless future.

I’m as susceptible as the rest. In witnessing the farmers’ earthy work here I succumb, envisioning what might be if we dropped it all for those scythes and shears. There aren’t many mechanical sounds on the acreage, just the occasional tractor huff outdoing the murmuring livestock, the katydids and orioles, the bobolink bustle over the hay. Whatever success, however, in preserving the past is equally attributable to absence – the sights and sounds memory purges. Slavery once poxed these islands, while the ships feeding it departed the bay in fleets, and if any one place could have tilted Native fate another way it’s Narragansett’s southern shores, where three-and-a-half centuries ago two blood-choked years fixed that compass.

Reflection, too, scrubs away life’s lesser dramas, those affecting us from the beginning. In imagining the farmers who worked this land, we only see their honest toil, not the attendant spectrum of untoward behavior – the back-biting, the infidelities, the petti-intrigues, human life’s everyday grime. Homage, then, is quite a detergent, particularly when projected onto the coming age.

****

Children we romanticize most of all. Kids carnalize hope, spawning vision. At a glance Shan might squelch such dreamwork, but in time her primitive core radiates clarity.

As she does, she stood abruptly. She may have seen all she needed of splash patterns. The sun may have been too much, or the naval transport planes – groaning a few thousand feet above, performing near daily maneuvers – might have finally disrupted her. Regardless, she erected herself, striding knee-deep back to the sea, putting one gull to sloppy-footed flight while the rest edged away. The flier turned, cupping a tight circle overhead, eliciting from Shan a delighted peel.

“Bird,” I said. “Bird,” but if she understood or even heard there was no indication.

Wracked by a recent storm, knots of eel grass drew her next and she sloshed ashore, gathering a gnarled ball. Burying her face, she breathed deep then licked a green, ribbon-like blade. She stepped forward, vaulting the grass ocean-ward, re-piquing the gulls. Whatever bacteria she picks up from such explorations doesn’t bother me, but I’ll never shake other worries. This bay, afterall, birthed America’s industrial might, pumping in its heavy-metal postpartum across two centuries.

Toe-walking toward the woodline, Shannon stepped from rock to rock now, wind-milling her arms and torqueing her body as anyone with vestibular equilibrium wouldn’t. She looks like a courting crane at such times, but somehow rarely falls. The low tide had left pockets of aired-out blue mussels. Squatting, she plucked one like a mushroom, pressing it to her nostrils then slipping the oblong capsule in her mouth, swishing it from cheek to cheek before spitting. Out front, mid-bay, an inbound oil tanker cut toward Providence, the heavy August sun lighting blue water all around.

I stood, gathering Shannon’s clothes, her diaper, then followed. She’d gained the wooded trailhead, rooting around in last year’s leaves. Fondling an early walnut drop, she thumbed the green hull before tossing it, next making her naked way to pasture’s edge. Locked in forested shadow, I forgot how helpless my daughter really is, and as she fingered sun-plumped blackberries I let go. Somewhere, I thought, the Bible maybe, or deeper, down in our intuitive substrate, it must say “And a child did lead them.” It must. From the canopy the season’s first cicada let loose its metallic whir. Summer didn’t have long to go.

Its Pulse

Taken by a tide pool, Shannon had been calm a while now.   She’d learned to toss rocks recently and did so here, watching ripples reach round the rim before plunking in another, then again. Perched arm’s length above her, I’d finally calmed too, watching waves lilt into crevices, re-aligning flotsam as they did. We had a beach-length view, sun-bathers, a thousand or more, Newport’s purpose, but the still water at Shan’s feet and inexorable swells at mine were all we could manage.

Life – all life – keeps going in the hope that things will get easier. I suppose that’s true. At that point, at any rate, Karen and I were certainly in line. After Shannon’s diagnosis months before we simply assumed the therapies would extinguish most symptoms, re-birthing her as it had for others in popular books we’d read. While progress had been made, though, it was sporadic and slow and to-date non-functional, only indicating some hope among piles of data, though even that was erased by moments such as these.

What spurred this one was as mysterious as the rest, though it lasted far longer. We’d been walking in and out of shops, negotiating downtown’s summer crowd with Shan squat in my crooked left arm where she always was. Her usual commotion-stirred bemusement, though, pivoted inside a breath, with the only antecedent a body-length clench before the explosion. Whispers and gentle squeezing normally contained such eruptions, but flailing limbs and primitive screams accompanied this burst from the outset. She was small enough that passersby squirmed to the side, opening gaps for one more pampered brat and her feloniously appeasing parent. Unable to secure her, I grasped her ankles then hung her upside down along my back before breaking into a trot. We hit the curve where Thames becomes Memorial and jogged over the hill to Easton’s Beach, cutting back across the sand toward the rip-rap protecting the Cliff Walk. The ebbing tide had left the pool, and she’d been engaged with her stone throws for half an hour now, with no outward remnant of the tempest that sent us here.

****

Parenting has no preparation. Walls can be knocked down or erected, sheet rock hung, paint slathered on with cribs and changing tables put in place. Nothing, though, prepares you for the battering hurricanes and stultifying doldrums to come, along with the unique shocks each child endows. Shannon was thirty months old now and hadn’t uttered a word. Twelve hours at a clip in such isolation – with the long, stutter-step sleep to come – has effects, and here, unable to breach the space between us, I simply verified her well-being with a peripheral glance before re-focusing on the surf.

Not much life was here, just its remains. Schools of see-through silversides ghosted clear water while a spider crab ambled the bottom, but the husks of other creatures provided the chief animation. Rhythmically tumbled, a set of crab legs waltzed to the tide’s recession, while just above them a rapidly re-hydrating sea-bird – dark, a juvenile cormorant – slapped about the surface like a lumber scrap. Similarly desiccated Canada Geese – winter-starved, retrieved and abandoned by successive tides – had disappeared only weeks before. Shan began giggling now with each splash. I was lucky. A skein of rocks surrounded her, and I wouldn’t have to bother finding more.

Pushed into a crevice, the crab legs sucked out with the next wave, somersaulting again in the turbulence, while the bird carcass glittered among mats of marooned kelp. Out deep, edging in, something new appeared.

Fish don’t often make it in whole, and this one certainly hadn’t, but enough remained. Flapping from the vanished gill plate to drape a few vertebrae pegs then back again, the dark, lateral lines of a skin patch marked a striped bass. With the lower jaw gone and eyes gull-plucked long ago, the skinless skull provided scale. This had been a large fish, filleted at sea days before or cut in half by a mako further out. Maybe it simply succumbed, but the cause hardly mattered now.

Water does things to people. For a moment, within the waves’ ever opaque energies, there was only that skull, that skin, that bit of spine. Caught by a crest, the head rotated, splaying the skin in the aftermath, with the sun revealing it as more gossamer now than former organ. Pirouetted by the following rush, the flap braided, slowly unwinding in the ensuing calm. That was the only time I’d ever felt it, the ocean, its pulse, and it stilled me before something tugged.  Shannon pulled herself into my lap, wrapping my left arm around her torso.

Benching her, I dropped to the beach below, where yards away the bass vestige nudged onto sand.

“Ok, Shan,” I said. “Ok. Let’s go.”

Touched

All parents can scan a crowded park to imagine which adults might foreshadow their own kids, and most probably do. There she is, beneath that willow, studying, guitar case by her side, or there, leading the outdoor business lunch. Maybe that’s her, with the tongue bolt and coiled python, chatting up a biker claque. No one knows, even special needs parents, though theirs is a far tighter window.

Like many people, I was once discomfited by special needs adults. The sounds they made, their distractedness, the fidgety carriages, the disjointed speech or no speech at all, gazes that seemed to see things I didn’t – all of it unnerved me, and in that private unraveling I knew some filaments of poor character lay, compounding the discomfiture.

Shannon changed that. Now I seek such people out. Fortunately, families and society have allowed more access, no longer squirreling those with significant impairments away, allowing them to uncork the hosts of questions – from neurological to theological – that only they can. When you know that value well it’s irresistible, and whenever Shan and I encounter such a person I watch both them and my daughter, absorbing.

These happenstances, though, have costs. Though Shan is still young, with heaps of therapy and development to go, the signs are plain. I’ve seen people far less afflicted than her under constant supervision, and to imagine her even modestly independent remains well beyond both my and Karen’s scope. In a crowd, then, watching others, far less guesswork makes up our conjectures of Shannon’s future than for her neurotypical sister Flannery. Still, having spent nearly all of Shan’s life by her side, imbibing what seepage I can from that cloistered mind, I know what others will draw from her if they just stand close enough and absorb.

****

I’ve seen it already. Every day, strangers, perfect strangers, take muted solace in Shannon, piqued by her savage elations and boorish joy, her ignorance of custom, wordplay, and the persistent ennui fogging our lives’ numberless iterations. Shan and her kind augur emancipation, divestiture, reincarnating distant liberties we all feel need reclamation, those abandoned when the first hunched hominids settled into village life. People see this freedom, feel it, and I feel it in them as Shannon diddy-bops through packed parks and beaches, along crowded sidewalks and fairgrounds, astonished by everything around. It’s never spoken, but there they are, familiar looks on unfamiliar faces, whorled among the sorrow and pity, the emotive disarray that once marked my own reactions. I wasn’t aware of it then, but am now, though articulation remains a trick.

****

Purity is as close as I come. People crave it. Whether through fresh-fallen snow or pitch-perfect poetry, a forested springlet or a spotless marriage, we’re all bewitched by the unadulterated. What defines it is hard to say. We only know that it’s as fleeting as it is rare, compounding its pull, and source – or origin – likely generates that gravity, as a collective hunch that everything runs pure at the start pervades humanity. Even the silt-choked Mississippi, afterall, bubbles clean from wooded springs, something we see in ourselves as we gather before newborns, awed.

People like Shannon ooze such source, first source, our imagination’s undying umbilical, pumping in our greatest hopes and deepest fears. If the devout, then, believe we’ve fallen out with Creation, atheists and agnostics match them, unable to shake the sense that we’ve separated from nature, corrupting ourselves with that division. While special needs people – even children like Shan – are far from pure, they at very least seem dewed with those original amniotics.

Whether it’s true or not I have no idea, but I’ve heard that Native Americans left the insane alone. ‘Touched’ they called it, and killing or molesting such people fell under their definition of sacrilege. Watching Shan hop in place on a boardwalk, repeating her unintelligbles at ungoverned pitches, or bounding through surf, howling at oncoming waves, it’s easy to see. The faces around her sense what Natives must have when coming across a prairie-crazed settler. Touched by what no one is sure, God maybe, or original burst, but whatever it is, it’s present in all states – cankerous, joyous, sedative – wafting out our collective understanding of holy with all the damnation and beatitude that entails.